


My Brother's Keeper

by FarAwayInWonderland



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Brother Feels, Brotherhood, Brothers, Family Bonding, Gen, Supernatural Elements, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 09:03:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20504399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarAwayInWonderland/pseuds/FarAwayInWonderland
Summary: It was only two steps before something crashed into Justin from behind. Nearly falling to the ground, he barely managed to keep his balance as he turned around, adrenaline shooting through him like electricity, ready to fight whoever wanted to have a go at him.His eyes widened when he saw his attacker. No Seth, no Monty or Bryce. Sprawled on the ground, he was looking at no other than himself.His ten-years-old self.Of all the things Clay expected his adopted brother to bring home, a time-travelling ten-years-old version of Justin was definitely none of them.





	My Brother's Keeper

**Author's Note:**

> I don't care what anyone says, I actually quite liked season three of 13RW. Mainly, because I'm an absolut slut for Justin & Clay brotherly bonding. Every scene between them I was like *insert you're doing amazing, sweety GIF here*. So, when I finished binge-watching all thirteen episodes, I just needed to write something 😁

**Justin // 17**

The silence was like balm on his soul.

The city of Crestmont laid before him – peaceful, quiet and asleep for the most part. The air was crisp and sharp as if it just had been purified from every man-made taint. With every breath he took it felt like new life was surging through him, a feeling he only knew from the football field when adrenaline was pumping through his veins and his blood pounding in his ears.

But right now everything was peaceful and Justin was glad for it as he walked the street aimlessly, going wherever his feet would take him. No plan, no thought, just step after step after step. Sometimes, when it felt like ants were crawling under his skin and he became restless, it was the only thing that managed to calm him down. The only thing besides the needle.

A twinge shot through his arm and even though Justin knew that it was just his imagination, he scratched his lower arm. That was where he used to place the injection.

Just imagination. _Imagination. Imagination. Imagination. _

If he repeated it long enough, maybe it would become true. Maybe he could fool himself into believing he was alright. Fool himself into overlooking the fault lines that ran all over him where he had broken apart and tried to piece himself together again.

The long walks at night helped, which is why Clay helped him by covering for him. At first he had been sceptical – okay, he had been outright hostile towards the idea – but after Justin had come back the first few times sober and in much condition than when he had left, he had warmed up to the idea.

It was a nicely tared balance between the two of them: Clay knew of Justin’s craving and what he did to escape it and Justin…Justin knew that his adoptive brother sometimes saw the ghosts of people that were no longer here.

Here as in _dead_.

Justin had seen Clay shouting at a Bryce the other boy couldn’t see, had seen him whispering words sweet and tender to a Hannah who was only there for him and Clay, well, Clay had witnessed Justin when he had hung over the toilet bowl and emptied his stomach into it, because his body desired heroin and not Lanie’s homemade lasagne. Clay had seen him shaking and shaking and shaking when the cold turkey had set in.

There was freedom in knowing that you didn’t need to have to pretend in front of another person. There was relief in being able to let your walls crumble and your mask drop with another person and security in knowing that it wouldn’t be used against you. Justin would have long ago fallen apart again if he hadn’t had that. And he suspected that Clay would have, too.

Even with Jess Justin had needed to pretend and it just had been so fucking exhausting to always be the person she thought he was. The person she wanted him to be – _needed him to be_. There had been moments where Justin had wanted to do nothing more than just crumble in front of her and have her pick the pieces for him, so that he didn’t need to.

But then he remembered that Jess didn’t deserve that. She was the strongest person he knew, she had built herself back up to be strong and fierce and independent, everything she needed to be to face this fucked-up world. She didn’t deserve a fuck-up like him picking at her wounds, scraping off scab, so he kept it together.

Every time she smiled at him it was a little bit more carefree than before and for that it was worth to suffer quietly. For her everything was worth it.

They were all so fucked up. But at least they were fucked up together.

At night Crestmont looked so peaceful. It didn’t look like the ground for tragedy, murder and everything in-between. A sea of light, stretching far into the night only interrupted by the river that run through it like a band of darkness and the bridge across it sitting enthroned above it like a band that kept it all together.

If it was a busy night, a few cars would pass him by, but otherwise there was only him on the street. In moments like these Justin liked to imagine that he was the only human around. Maybe some sort of zombie apocalypse? Clary would just roll his eyes and lecture him about the impossibility of a zombie invasion as depictured in popular media. Justin smiled at the thought.

But being alone – or just the illusion of it – just meant that for just those short moments everything was alright. No school, no sports, no withdrawal and no one he could disappoint. Just him and whatever place his feet would take him to.

This time his subconscious _(‘Take that, Clay, he knew big words, too!’)_ decided to take him near the street where he had grown up. Justin looked down it with an indecipherable expression and a mix of feelings in his stomach that he couldn’t quite decipher. He clenched his fist and opened it again, feeling his fingernails pressing into the ball of his hand.

This was his part. This was part of him and would forever be. The sidewalk where he had tried to skate for the first time and had scraped his knee, the bench where he had sometimes sat for hours to escape the oppressiveness of his own four walls, the wall next to old man Jenkin’s shop where he had gotten high for the first time.

Part of him like the ink covering his body.

It looked so harmless now, sunken in semi-darkness, only illuminated by the sickly yellow light of the street lamps. No proof of the pain and fear he had suffered here, but also the joy and the happiness, even as far between they had been. No impressions safe the ones in his mind.

If Justin was honest, it was kind of disappointing. He had expected…more from the place that had formed him, that had spit him out like gum that had lost its flavour. But maybe it was also a good thing that it had lost all its horror. Because Justin no longer was the scared little boy he had been.

The boy had become a man, imperfect and scared, but he had escaped.

“You don’t get to get me back. You can go and fuck yourself,” he whispered, not completely sure who he was speaking to: The place or the boy. It didn’t matter, anyway. He turned around. It was time to get back before Clay started to fret. Time to get back to a home that was welcoming and people who wanted him.

Time to leave the little boy behind.

It was only two steps before something crashed into him from behind. Nearly falling to the ground, Justin barely managed to keep his balance as he turned around, adrenaline shooting through him like electricity, ready to fight whoever wanted a go at him.

His eyes widened when he saw his attacker. No Seth, no Monty or Bryce. Sprawled on the ground, he was looking at no other than himself.

His ten-years-old self.

**Justin // 10**

His mother was crying again.

Justin tried to wiggle deeper under his blanket, but no matter what he did, he could still hear his mother’s sobs from the next room through the paper-thin walls. They varied in intensity; sometimes they were loud wails and then it was small sobs, barely audible. But one thing they didn’t do was stop.

His mother was crying because her boyfriend had left her. Again. It was the third time already and every time she cried. And every time it was because of Justin. Sometimes he was too loud, or too annoying or just simply there. The reasons didn’t matter, because in the end it was always him. The reasons didn’t matter, because it always ended with his mother crying.

Justin wanted to leave his bed, walk across the room, open the door and console his mother. He was her “Little Wonder” after all, because when his mother had learned that she was having him, she had loved him so much that she didn’t abort him. Justin didn’t know what that meant, but his mother had told him so, so it must be something good. She had loved him so much that she kept him. She loved him so much that she would rather have her boyfriends leave than Justin.

But Justin knew that his mother wouldn’t want to see him when she was like this, so he stayed in his bed and continued to listen to his mother’s cries. Weren’t wonders supposed to be something good? How could Justin be a wonder when his mother always told him how bad he was when her boyfriends left her? Another cry tore through the silence and Justin’s small heart clenched as he witnessed his mother’s pain.

_Your fault,_ a voice in his head whispered. _If you weren’t there, she could have been happy with Stuart. Or Ricky. Or Matt. _His mother had said the same thing after Matt had left today. The door had closed behind the man and then she had started shouting and crying and Justin had started crying to, which only made his mother angrier _(‘It should be me crying, not you! I’m the only one with reasons to cry!’)_. The more time passed by the less he was her little wonder and more the burden his mother couldn’t help but love.

_‘Oh, if I didn’t love you as much as I do,’ she would sigh sometimes, ‘then it would be so much easier.’ _

Even loving him was a burden and yet Justin couldn’t help but wanting to be loved so fiercely and protectively like he had seen in the movies. What kind of son was he that he still wanted his mother to love him more even though he knew what a burden he was? What kind of wonder would hurt people instead of helping them?

Maybe if Justin did what his mother’s boyfriend wanted him to do _(Vanish. Disappear. Leave. Go)_ his mother would be happy again? She never said it out aloud, but Justin noticed things: He noticed how – just for split-second – it looked like she wanted to agree with her boyfriends when they wanted him gone. He noticed the disappointment lurking behind her eyes when the apartment door opened and it was him coming through and not her boyfriend. He noticed how she would share all the stuff in the kitchen cabinet he couldn’t reach with her boyfriends and not with him.

Justin could leave for a few days and if his mom wanted him back then it meant that she loved him enough to come for him; that he was wondrous enough to go after. Maybe then he could be her little wonder again.

Decision made, Justin folded back his blanket and sat upright. His feet touched the ground and as silent as possible he rummaged through the room to get the stuff he needed. He didn’t need to care for noises he made, though; his mother wouldn’t come in here anyway. He grabbed his worn out Spiderman backpack and filled it with the stuff he needed: The Power Ranger comic he was currently reading, the Superman action figurine that he had found in the trash that had one arm missing and a few other things so that he wouldn’t get bored.

After slipping into his shoes, Justin took one last look around before he slid open his window a little bit and squeezed himself through it.

He could still hear his mother crying.

Outside it was cold, but not that much. And anyway, this was the start of an adventure, so the cold couldn’t bother him anyway. Justin made his way across the lawn and onto the sidewalk. Now came his first major decision: Right or left? Personally, Justin liked right more, because that’s what superheroes did: The right thing, so he turned in that direction and started walking.

Straight into someone already standing there.

**Justin // 17**

As he stared at the face of his younger self, Justin wondered if he had gotten high without even noticing. Such thing was highly improbable, though, even if Clay probably knew quite a few ways how it could be done, that nerd. Justin must look like a fish out of water with his eyes wide open and his mouth agape. His younger self meanwhile had picked himself up again and was now eying him warily.

“Sorry, didn’t see you,” he mumbled more to himself than to Justin.

For the older boy, meanwhile, several pieces fell into place: He remembered this exact moment, but he had never imagined the truth of what laid behind it.

“It’s alright,” he told the young boy. “I wasn’t looking where I was going either.” He continued to stare. It was just so weird to stand face to face with his younger self. There was nothing innocent about this version of himself – had lost that in more ways than one when he had been five – but he was a little bite more carefree, a little bit more unguarded.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked instead.

“What’s it to you?” his younger self wanted to know, eyes narrowed in suspicious. God, Justin had forgotten what a suspicious little shit he had been when he been younger – before the Jensens.

“Well, it’s pretty cold out here and you’re just wearing your PJs,” he pointed out like any reasonable adult would – and God, when had he become the reasonable one? That was more Clay’s forte. “Shouldn’t you be home?”

“No!” young Justin exclaimed panickily. “I can’t go back home.” He looked like he wanted to bolt, so Justin had to think on his feet before that happened. He could freak out later.

“Alright, you can’t go back home, I understand,” he assured the young boy. “But you shouldn’t be out here alone either. Why don’t you come with me?”

“So you can sell my organs?”

Justin’s jaw dropped. “Where did you get that from?”

His younger self just shrugged. “I heard it mom say once. She said that I shouldn’t go with strangers because they’d sell me or my organs.” Maybe Justin had spent too much time with a family that was actually a family, but he couldn’t help but feel horrified at his own mother. How had he even made it to seventeen?

“You’re right, you shouldn’t trust strange adults,” Justin agreed with him. “But I’m no adult, either. I’m seventeen, so I’m still a child. And children don’t hurt other children.” It was kind of sad that this seemed to do the work. When he had been ten, he already had lost all trust in adults, but he had yet to experience the true cruelty of other children.

“And I have a brother,” Justin added. “He’ll want to meet you, too.”

“You have a brother?” young Justin repeated wide-eyed. “I always wanted a brother! But when I asked mom she said the only thing a new sibling would get was an…an abortion.” He crunched up his face in confusion. “What’s that?”

Justin’s heart broke for his younger self. He had always thought his childhood had been relatively – well, not normal, but safe – and that he had come out of it relatively well adjusted, but ever since he had started living with the Jensen he had started to realise how fucked up everything back than had been. He was slowly working through all the issues his crappy childhood had saddled him with, but he doubted he would ever get through it.

And looking at the younger boy, he realised that this version of himself still thought everything was as it was supposed to be. He still thought that all this was normal.

“It’s nothing,” Justin replied. “Nothing you have to worry about.” Mini Justin didn’t look convinced, but thankfully he didn’t prod any further. Instead he wrapped his arms around himself. Seemed like the cold was finally getting to him.

“Do you want to meet my brother?” Justin asked again.

Mini Justin thought about it for a few seconds, before his face broke out in a grin. “That would be awesome!” Justin offered his right hand which his younger self instantly clutched. Seemed like he wasn’t as independent as he portrayed himself to be.

“I’ve never met anyone with a brother,” Mini Justin began to chatter as they started to walk their way back towards the Jensens’ – _his_ – home. “All my friends don’t have one. Monty – well, his real name is Montgomery, but that’s a stupid name, so we just call him Monty – doesn’t have one and Bryce doesn’t have one either. His family’s really rich. They even got a pool!”

“That sounds awesome,” Justin replied without much conviction. He remembered that it was simpler times back then. Monty was still just a child, not a spiteful bully who tried to hide his own insecurities behind cruelty and Bryce…well, back then he still was a douche, but he hadn’t been cruel either. They had been friends – _brothers_ – sworn to protect each other and weather any storm together.

_Well, look how that turned out_, Justin thought bitterly. Bryce murdered, probably down in hell and Monty in prison because his self-hatred had made him go too far. Out of the three of them Justin was the last one standing.

“What’s your name?” Mini Justin inquired.

“Justin.”

“Hey, that’s my name, too!”

“That’s gonna get confusing,” Justin remarked. “Maybe you can be Mini Justin?”

“I’m not mini!” his younger self complained indignantly.

Justin laughed. “To me you are.”

Mini Justin seemed to contemplate if further protest was worth it, but instead he settled on another question. “What’s your brother like?”

“He’s…” Justin thought about Clay. “Loyal. If you have him in your corner, he’s gonna be there no matter what.” Even when Justin had lost all confidence in himself, even when he had slid back into bad habits, Clay had been there, solid and unmoving like a mountain just waiting to catch Justin the moment he stumbled.

“He’s really smart, but he doesn’t lord it over you.” He thought about all the countless hours Clay had spent tutoring him in nearly every subject because Justin had missed so much school and how he was slowly raising his grade average, even though it was nowhere near Clay’s. But Clay never complained, never called Justin stupid or slow or all the other adjectives teachers and students had used to call him over the years.

“He’s very clumsy and once he starts to talk about something he’s passionate about he just won’t stop.” A few days ago, Justin had witnessed how Clay had tried to get out of his pants, but instead he had entangled himself in the pants legs and had just crashed down. It had been glorious and Justin had had to break into laughter every time he even looked at Clay for the whole day. Clay had taken revenge on him by forcing Justin to watch the complete prequel trilogy of Star Wars, of course, included with his extensive commentary. Justin could still recite the whole theory and supporting prove for that fish-man being the true villain (_Sith,_ he thought, _they were called_).

“But he’s also very stubborn and self-righteous,” Justin finished. “But hey, no one’s perfect.”

“He sounds great,” Mini Justin exclaimed in awe after he had hung on Justin’s every word.

“He is,” Justin agreed.

“I wish I had a brother,” his younger version whispered wistfully.

“Maybe you’ll get your wish,” Justin told him. “My brother has been my...well, brother only for a few months. His family adopted me.”

“That’s possible?” Mini Justin wanted to know, eyes wide. Justin just nodded.

“Then I’m gonna adopt a brother,” the younger boy proclaimed proudly. “And I’m gonna be the bestest brother ever!”

“Best,” Justin corrected him automatically. _Damn, Clay!_ “And I’m sure you will.”

For the rest of the way he half-listened to his younger self prattle on about all the things he would do as big brother; all the toys he would share and all the secrets they would tell each other. Justin couldn’t bring himself to tell his younger self that if you were pedantic – _like Clay was_ – then in theory Justin was the younger brother in this case. The other boy liked to lord if over Justin that he was five months older than him to which Justin replied that he could be the older brother only if he managed to actually wrestle Justin to the ground.

Clay had failed spectacularly. Even Tony had looked away in second-hand embarrassment.

They finally reached the Jensens’ - _his, it was his now, too_ – home. Indicating that they had to be quiet, Justin led his younger version through the garden towards the converted garden house that was now home to Clay and him. Carefully, he opened the door and ushered both of them inside.

“Woah, that’s so cool!” Mini-Justin stage whispered as he took in Justin and Clay’s living space. Justin kind of had to agree with his younger version: What Matt and Lanie had built them was awesome. Some might scratch their head that Clay and Justin would still want to room together when each of the could have their own space, but those people didn’t know them. Both Clay and Justin didn’t want to be alone, especially at night. Loneliness meant that the ghosts would come creeping in; loneliness meant nightmares and cravings and all the other bad stuff.

No, Clay and Justin were good together and they knew it.

“Justin?!” Speaking of the devil: Clay sat upright on his bed and starred at the two of them in barely concealed shock.

“Hey, why don’t you take a look at Clay’s comic shelf?” Justin suggested to his younger self and pointed towards his brother’s collection. Mini Justin’s face lit up and he instantly made a b-line towards the offering.

Clay meanwhile, had collected himself and was now grabbing Justin by the arm and – with strength that belied his lithe built – dragged him towards the kitchen counter where the young boy was less likely to overhear whatever choice words his brother had for him.

“What the fuck, Justin,” Clay whispered at him furiously. “Why’s there a kid that looks exactly like you in our room? Did you kidnap a child?”

“Of course, I didn’t!” Justin whispered back. “I found him wandering the streets and took him here before someone else could take him.”

“That’s still kidnapping,” Clay educated him. “After all that stuff we went through this is what’s gonna do us in.” He took a deep breath. “Maybe if we call the police now we can still salvage this.”

“The police won’t be of any help,” Justin stated.

“Look, I know we both had bad experiences with them...”

“No, not because of that,” Justin interrupted him. “They can’t help us because he doesn’t exist.”

Clay crunched his face up in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“The reason why he’s looking exactly like me is because _he literally is me_,” Justin explained.

Clay let out a laugh. “Just because you’re using ‘literally’ now doesn’t mean I’ll believe you everything. You really wanna make me believe that there’s some time travel going on here?”

“It’s true,” Justin insisted. “I remember that when I was ten years old I ran away from home for two days and stayed with some guy and his brother. And I remember that that guy had the same name as I and now it turns out that the reason for that is because he was me – an older me.” He knew that Clay was more open to some weird ideas but he needed something more.

“Hey, Mini Justin!” The boy looked up from the comic he was currently browsing through. “What’s your full name?”

“Justin Foley.”

“Your mother’s name?”

“Amber Foley.”

“And where do you live?”

He rattled down Justin’s old home address. Justin turned back towards Clay and grinned at him smugly.

“Okay, say I believe you...”

“Which you do.”

“...if I believe you,” Clay continued. “How do we get...well, you back? What are we supposed to do?”

“Nothing,” Justin replied. “I remember that the guy brought me back on Saturday evening. That’s barely a day.”

“How can you be so sure?” Clay wanted to know.

“Because I already lived through it.” It seemed like that was the right thing to say, because Clay’s nerd brain instantly latched onto that.

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “It’s a loop. A paradox. You always bring yourself home, so you already know how it’ll end.” He beamed like he had just gotten laid. Clay was weird like that. “It’s like in Dark.”

“That weird depressive German Netflix show I fell asleep after ten minutes?” Clay nodded. “Whatever, nerd.”

“Jerkface.” Clay’s expression turned pensive. “What are we going to tell our parents?”

It was another thing Justin had noticed: The change of pronouns. To Clay it was no longer _his_ home, _his_ room or _his_ parents, but _theirs_. He didn’t seem to have any difficulty in sharing with Justin what had been only his for his whole life. With an ease that made Justin just a little bit envious he had slid into his new circumstances like he had always been there, with no sign of discomfort, no sign of weirdness.

Sometimes it made Justin feel like a bad person. He just didn’t feel comfortable yet with calling Matt and Lanie by anything else but their given names and he had to consciously correct himself every time he was about to call it the Jensens’ home or Clay’s room. It felt like he wasn’t as grateful as he was supposed to be to the people that had given him a second chance at a better life. It was even worse that it was never mentioned – the Jensens just didn’t care about it – so it was only Justin and his own thoughts chastising him.

“Nothing,” Justin replied. “They’re going to Ikea tomorrow and afterwards to your mother’s sister. They’ll be gone for the whole day.” Clay looked like he didn’t like it – he had already kept so many secrets from his parents – but he obviously realised that Justin’s suggestion was the one which would get them into the least trouble.

“But we’re supposed to meet up with the rest of the gang,” Clay pointed out. “What are we going to tell them?”

Justin thought about it for a few moments. “My mom had a sister who cut her out of her life before I was even born. We can just say she came back looking for my mother while we look after my cousin for a day.”

“That could actually work. It’s at least slightly above our usual plans,” Clay replied thoughtfully. Then: “I didn’t know you had an aunt.” And of course, Clay, the bleeding heart would actually listen to that throwaway line and ask about it.

“My mom mentioned her once or twice.” Justin shrugged.

“Don’t you wanna meet her someday?” Clay wanted to know. “You’re in a better place now.”

Justin raised his eyebrows. “A recovering drug addict?”

Clay looked like he desperately wanted to throw something at his head. “You said it, ‘recovering’. But I meant more like you’re in a stable and nurturing environment now.”

“Only you would call your own family a ‘stable and nurturing environment’,” Justin laughed.

Clay frowned. “Well, it is very stable. And my parents are very nurturing.”

Justin just shook his head in amusement. “Whatever, nerd.”

“Shithead.”

**Justin // 10 **

The comics were awesome!

Justin’s brother had so many of them that it must take months at least to read all of them and what was even better he didn’t even hide them. That surprised Justin, because the few comics he owned were all hidden away under his bed. Monty and Bryce had told him that comics were for nerds and losers and even though they always went to Bryce, Justin hid them away just in case. He didn’t want anyone to think that he was a loser.

He wasn’t!

Justin’s brother – Clay, what a weird name, but who was Justin to judge? – didn’t seem to care about that at all. Some comics were even framed on the wall. Justin would never dare to do that.

But Clay didn’t look like someone who was afraid of anything. The moment they had entered the room – and what cool room it was! – and Clay had noticed them, he had taken the aura of someone ready to fight not Justin but _for _Justin. Every now and then when Justin looked up and gazed at Clay and Justin whispering about him (because, of course, they were talking about him), the other boy looked at Justin in a mixture of fond annoyance and exasperation that told Justin that the boy would do anything for his brother.

Justin would love to have someone he could act like that towards. He bet that he could be a great protector. Just like brothers were supposed to be; just like the superheroes in the comics. Justin was well aware that he wasn’t good at protecting himself, but maybe it was different when you had someone else to protect?

“Hey, shrimp!” Justin looked up to see that the two brothers had turned towards him. “You’re going to stay here with us for the night. We have a unused mattress you can have and tomorrow we’ll…”

“I don’t wanna go back,” Justin interrupted him. He couldn’t go back. His mother had said that she would be better off without him, so Justin had to at least try to make her life a little better even if that would only happen without him in it.

Justin and Clay threw each other glances he couldn’t decipher. “I was going to say that we’re going to meet our friends and we’ll take you with us. If that’s alright with you?” Justin just shrugged. He didn’t really care about that, but if the other boy felt better if he agreed, then he would.

If his mother cared she would be horrified that he had so easily and willingly gone with a stranger – at night even! Justin couldn’t really put it into words, because he wasn’t really good at that, but he had long ago learned to trust his stomach feeling when it came to new people. Most of his mother’s boyfriends made him queasy and slightly afraid while Mrs Dallas from the apartment next door made his hairs stand up when she stared at him with her scorching glare, but when he had talked to the older Justin there had been nothing like that. No, instead he had felt familiar in a way, like something niggling at the back of his head; he felt like Justin could trust him. That was why he ultimately decided to go with him.

Also, he hadn’t really thought out his plan to run away. Justin had been right when he had pointed out that it was cold outside, and somehow the night had made everything seem so much scarier than it was during the day. Justin wasn’t a coward, so he couldn’t just go back, but he could go with the other Justin who was warm and welcoming in a way even his mother wasn’t.

That didn’t mean that Justin wasn’t a little bit relieved when the mattress was put on the floor near the door which would allow him to leave without waking anyone and without anyone being obstructing the way out.

“Bathroom is over there,” Clay told him after he had given Justin extra pillows and covers. He nodded towards a sliding door at the other end of the room behind which his brother had vanished a few minutes ago.

“Justin mentioned that you adopted him,” Justin mentioned offhandedly, trying to gauge Clay’s reaction.

“He did?” Clay hummed.

Justin just nodded. “I didn’t know that was possible. I thought only babies got adopted.”

“Don’t tell him I said that, but sometimes he acts like he’s just a big baby,” Clay mock-whispered and winked at him. Justin couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. “But, yeah, my parents adopted him.”

“They did?” Justin wondered out loud. “Why?”

“That’s not my story to tell,” Clay replied. “Let’s just say that Justin needed a family. Someone to stand in his corner.” A faint smile tugged on Clay’s lips as if he was just remembering something. “And I thought we could be that for him.”

“It was that easy?”

“No, it wasn’t,” Clay shook his head. “All of us were going through some hard times back then. Justin needed to be convinced that we actually wanted him, I was a little bit of an ass when adopting Justin was first brought up and my parents were really stressed with everything that was going on. But we all got it together in the end, because that’s what family’s about, y’know? Helping each other even if you feel like drowning yourself.” Justin nodded. That sounded like something he could get behind. Something he would want to have, too, if he could.

“But now everything’s fine?” Justin asked.

“As well as it can be.”

There was a moment of silence, before the next question popped up in Justin’s head: “Since when do you collect comics?”

Clay’s expression brightened up when his favourite subject was brought up. “Ever since I started reading…so, when I was around four, I think.” Clay was so smart! Justin still had difficulties with his words sometimes, and he was already ten, while Clay had started reading when he was four. “Do you like comics, too?”

For a split-second Justin debated if he should admit to liking comics, too, but then he remembered that Clay wasn’t really likely to tell Bryce and Monty about it and that the other boy was kinda nice. So he just nodded.

“What I like about them the most is that no matter how bad the situation appears, the good guys always win, even if it’s sometimes difficult,” Clay told him and Justin couldn’t shake the feeling that the other boy meant more than comics with that statement.

“Bathroom’s free.” They looked up to see Justin stay in the doorway. “I didn’t leave you any hot water.”

“Jerkface.”

A few minutes later, the lights were all out and everyone was lying in their respective bed. And because that day had been really exhausting – both physically and emotionally – Justin fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.

**Justin // 17**

“You like comics?”

“Shut up, nerd.”

**Justin // 17**

If God really existed than Justin had to sent the dude a gift basket or something, because Matt and Lanie left for IKEA before Clay and he even got up. Apparently, you had to get to the store at nine already to get a seat in the restaurant. Justin didn’t know why you would want to eat at a furniture store, but apparently it was something adults did. And who was he to complain if it meant that they didn’t need to deal with a noisy Lanie who would often find any reason – a book Clay had left in the living room, freshly made laundry, or that one time even a pen Justin had forgotten on the table – to come over.

Not that Justin minded…that much. Better a mother that cared too much than one that cared nothing at all. That didn’t mean that it wasn’t inconvenient sometimes – or outright embarrassing, like that one time when she had caught him jacking off.

Shaking his head to get the mortifying memory out of his head, Justin stood up from his bed and went into the bathroom to take a piss. Clay was already sitting at the kitchen isle with is MacBook in front of him. When Justin came back, he noticed that his brother was reading the news.

_What a nerd,_ he thought fondly.

Mini Justin was awake as well, but he hadn’t yet found the strength to throw the covers off and stand up. Justin could sympathise.

“You’re okay with Lucky Charms?” Justin asked his younger self. He received an unintelligible mumbling in return and only the fact that Mini Justin was actually another version of himself enabled Justin to interpret it as utterance of utter joy.

“I hate you,” Justin whispered towards Clay.

The boy looked up from his MacBook, confused. “Why?”

“I just used ‘utterance’ in my head.”

Clay, that asshole, just laughed at him and went back to his reading. Justin poured himself a bowl with cereals and milk and put it on their kitchen island.

“If you want to eat, you have to stand up.” There was no reaction from Mini Justin, so Justin poked him with the tip of his foot. Mini Justin just glared at him, but eventually stood up, sat down at the counter and started to eat the cereals. Though, inhaling would be the better description.

“Dude, how can you eat like that?” Justin wanted to know. “Even I’m grossed out.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Clay threw in without looking up from the screen in front of him. “Justin eats like a pig when our parents aren’t there to nag him about it. I once caught him spooning cereals with his hand because he was too lazy to wash the cutlery.” Mini Justin just snorted in his bowl while Justin sent Clay a look of betrayal.

“Wow, betrayed by my own brother,” he exclaimed, clutching his chest in mock-hurt. “Let’s see if you ever get me as your wing man ever again.”

Clay looked completely unimpressed by that threat. “Your wing man tips only consist of Fast and Furious quotes.”

“Hey, if it works…” Justin shrugged.

Clay closed his MacBook and turned towards Mini Justin. “Justin and I are going to meet our friends today and we’ll take you with us. If anyone asks who you are, then just tell them you’re Justin’s cousin who’s staying with us for the day. They’ll believe it. You look just like him when he was younger.”

Mini Justin perked up at that. “I do?”

“You do,” Clay nodded. “Sitting around and listening to us teenagers is probably not your idea of fun, so take a few comics with you.”

“Really?” Mini Justin’s eyes widened in amazement.

“As long as you treat them right,” Clay added. Mini Justin just nodded frenetically as if he had just been given the most important responsibility he could imagine.

Knowing what a little shit he had been at that age, Justin wondered how Clay was able to build a rapport with his younger self so easily. The young boy practically worshipped the ground his brother walked on. Maybe Clay had just been born with the ability to handle Justin at every stage in life? It made Justin wonder what life would have been like if he had met Clay before High School. Would they have been friends? Justin would like to answer that question with yes, but he tried to not lie to himself at least. With Bryce and Monty as his friends he would never have given Clay the time of his life, even back in kindergarten.

Mini Justin gulped down the last of his cereals – because no matter what, you didn’t let food go to waste – and nearly fell down from the stool in his haste to get to Clay’s comic collection.

“He’s totally embarrassing me,” Justin complained. “You’ll never let me live this down.”

“Justin, I’d never tease anyone for liking comics,” Clay replied, a smile tugging on his lips. “Even when it’s really bad taste. Come on, Power Rangers? Really?”

Justin could feel a blush spreading on his face. “Still better than He-Man. Come to think of it, everything’s better than He-Man.”

“Take that back!” Clay exclaimed, full of indignation.

“Never!”

**Justin // 10 **

Justin loved driving. 

His mother didn’t own a car and most of her boyfriends didn’t either. And even if they did, Justin was never allowed to inside their cars anyway. So, as he sat on the backseat of Clay’s car he couldn’t help but press his face against the window to take in the scenery that passed by on the outside. It was the same streets as he knew, but somehow it was different when you were in a car. Everything appeared a little bit smaller, a little more removed. It felt like he was sitting in his own castle like some kind of king wand was now passing through his kingdom. They passed by other people, houses and cars and Justin imagined if they just continued driving they would make it to the ocean.

Justin had never been to the ocean, but Bryce and Monty had been and it sounded awesome.

The other Justin was sitting on the passenger seat while Clay drove. Apparently Justin was a really bad driver which is why Clay drove. Justin had categorically denied that he was in any shape or form bad at driving, but Clay had been totally unmoved by his protest and just replied that they could also walk, which shut the other boy up pretty fast.

Clay was so cool.

Justin’s backpack was right next to him on the backseat. He ran one hand over it, just to make sure that it was still there. Clay had allowed him to take some comics with him, but only if he took good care of them. It wouldn’t do good if they were damaged before they even arrived at their destination.

Monet’s was some kind of coffee shop, one of those boring places where older people liked to get their disgusting coffee stuff. Subconsciously, Justin’s face contorted into a grimace when he thought about that one time when he had sipped from his mother’s coffee. It had been terrible! The coffee shop itself looked like the kinda place Justin and his mother could never afford (_3 Dollar for a normal coffee!_) but inside it was nicely furnished. Kind of homey and comfortable.

Clay and Justin apparently knew where they wanted to go, for they didn’t hesitate even a split-second after entering the shop, instead instantly making their way towards an already occupied table near the far end of the space, far off the main activity.

“Hey, Justin, Clay!” one boy sitting at the table exclaimed.

That seemed to be Justin and Clay’s friend they had been talking about: Two girls and four boys, all smiling brightly at them.

“Justin, you didn’t get a girl pregnant, didn’t you?” one of the girls asked with raised eyebrows once she spotted Justin.

“Gross, Sheri,” Justin replied. “I would have been like seven.” He grabbed Justin’s shoulder and pushed him forward. “He’s my cousin. My mother’s sister actually came to town to look for her and asked us to keep an eye on him for the day.”

“I didn’t know your mom had a sister,” one of the guys, his skin a little bit darker than the rest of them, said.

Justin shrugged. “There wasn’t really much contact until now.”

“I think it’s really sweet of you,” the second girl commented. She was really beautiful in Justin’s opinion with curly hair and big brown eyes that looked at Justin like he was something special.

“I’m Jessica, but everyone just calls me Jess” she introduced herself. “That noisy girl over there is Sheri.” The mentioned girl just shrugged unapologetic. “Then you have Zach, Alex, Tyler and Tony.” She turned back to Justin. “What’s your name?”

“Justin,” he mumbled.

“No, way!” Jessica exclaimed. “You have the same name?”

“That’s why I’m calling him Mini Justin,” the other Justin threw in. Justin glared at him. He was as tall as Bryce and Monty and he was still growing. It wasn’t his fault that everyone else was still bigger than him.

“Does that mean we have to babysit?” the one called Alex asked.

“He’s got stuff to keep himself busy,” Clay replied. Turning back towards Justin he asked: “Do you want anything? Soft drink? Cacao?”

Justin mulled over it for a moment. “Hot chocolate?” he asked, hopefully. His mother never had the patience to warm up the milk for him, so he usually only ever got it unheated. While Clay went to the counter to place their orders, Justin sat down at the edge of the group.

“How’s staying with Clay and Justin?” the boy Jessica had introduced as Zach who was probably twice as big as Justin asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

“It’s okay,” Justin replied, because what else was he supposed to say. “They’re kinda weird sometimes.” Apparently that was the right thing to say, because everyone at the table broke into laughter at that while Justin just rolled his eyes. Then Alex mentioned something about school and the attention of everyone turned towards the new topic, which suited Justin just fine.

He didn’t really like it when everyone was so focused on him. He had long ago learned that more often than not having someone’s attention meant that you were about to get in trouble. Whenever his mother’s boyfriends paid attention to him it was usually to shout and scream at him for something he didn’t do. But he was an easy target to blame, one that couldn’t fight back.

A few of them had even struck him with their hands. His mother would shout and cry and cradle him in his arms, promise him that it would never happen again, but in the end she always went back to them. Sometimes it was on Justin’s tongue, to ask his mother why his pain wasn’t worth whatever she was getting from her boyfriends, but he never opened his mouth, too afraid of the answer his mother might give.

“Here’s your hot chocolate.” Clay put the beverage on the table in front of him.

“Thanks,” Justin mumbled. Clay gave him a reassuring smile before turning towards his friends. Justin meanwhile, pulled one of the comics he had taken with him and started to read.

He was a few pages in when the hair on the back of his neck stood up. Looking up, Justin saw Jessica starring at him from across the table. The others were all loudly debating something, so it felt like it was only him and the other girl.

“I’m so sorry, you probably think I’m really creepy,” she started to apologise when he noticed her starring. “But I’ve seen a few pictures of Justin as a kid and you look exactly like him.”

“I’ve heard that very often,” Justin replied, without judgement.

“Yeah, I figured, but it must annoy you, doesn’t it?” Jessica wanted to know. “Always being compared to someone else?”

“I don’t mind,” Justin shrugged. “Justin’s nice. Clay, too.”

“Yeah, they are,” Jessica agreed with him. “Justin’s barely adopted for a few months and they’re already acting like they’ve been brothers their whole lives.” She shook her head. “And they didn’t even like each other that much in the beginning!”

“They didn’t?” Justin asked. To him Justin and Clay seemed inseparable, despite all the banter and insults thrown at each other. They were exactly like Justin imagined being brothers was like. He couldn’t imagine they ever not liking each other.

“Yeah, they were part of completely different worlds,” Jessica told him. “Justin was the total jock while Clay was more the shy but sweet nerd, you know? Total cliché, I know, but that was literally how it was like. I’m not even sure Justin knew Clay’s name back then.” She chuckled. “It feels like ages ago.”

“But they’re so…” Justin struggled to find the right words.

“Co-dependent? Joined at the hips? Sickening sweet and affectionate in a brotherly way?” Jessica finished for him. “There was a lot of work and sacrifice on their way to get there. Clay was there for Justin when no one else was and Justin came through for Clay at a very important point in his life. Sometimes I have this feeling that they’re closer than I am with my own brothers.” They both turned their heads towards the subjects of their talk and found Justin blowing foam from his coffee towards Clay who let out a loud sneeze. “What about you? Do you have any siblings?”

“No,” Justin shook his head. “It’s just me and my mom. But Justin told me that he was adopted, so that’s what I’m gonna do, too. I’m gonna get myself a brother.” Jessica smiled at him and it made her whole face brighten up. She was really, really pretty.

“I bet you’d be an awesome brother.”

Justin just ducked his head and blushed.

**Justin // 17 **

“He’s really sweet,” Jess commented from beside him. Knowing who she meant, he spared a short glance towards Mini Justin who was showing Clay something in the comic he was currently reading. “It’s like looking at a younger version of you.”

Justin snorted. If Jess only knew. “How long is he going to stay with you?”

“Not long,” Justin replied. “The moment my aunt realises that my mother’s not here, she’ll take him and go back.”

“I didn’t know your mother had a sister,” Jess started, obviously expecting Justin to explain further.

“She broke off contact when my mom started getting into her…bad habits. She heard what happened around here somehow and decided to make another attempt at fixing their relationship. I guess she somehow found out about my new circumstances and sought me out first. She didn’t really want to take Justin with her, because who knows where my mother is holed up at the moment, so she asked Clay and I to take him for the day.”

“That’s so sweet of you,” Jess commented and smiled at him. Justin smiled back, but inwardly he felt like the worst person for lying to her. Here he was, making himself out to be a better person than he actually was and Jess believed him without doubt, because she actually believed _in him_. She shouldn’t, but Jess was never a person to do what others told her to.

“He seems to have taken quite a likening to you,” she remarked. “Especially to Clay.”

“Well, they both like comics,” Justin shrugged.

Jess punched him in the shoulder. “Don’t be like that! I know for a fact that you like comics, too, even of you try to hide it.” Justin rubbed his shoulder. For such a petite person, Jess packed quite the punch.

“I really like this,” Jess continued. “That, after all this shit, we can still sit down here and be friends.”

Justin didn’t say anything, but as he looked around – Zach and Alex flipping paper balls at each other, Tony and Tyler quietly conversing and Sheri trying to sneak a peek at the comic in Mini Justin’s hand – he realised that she was right.

He really liked this, too.

Time flew by, like it always did when they were with their friends and a few hours later they found themselves on their way back. Clay went into the main house, to update Matt and Lanie and dispel any suspicion they might have, so that they wouldn’t come looking if anything was amiss, while Justin took his younger self back to their room.

“Look,” he started talking to Mini Justin as he closed the door behind him. “It’s time I get you back to your home. We can’t hide you forever.” Mini Justin looked at him wide-eyed and betrayed.

“You promised I could stay with you!” he exclaimed accusingly.

“Yeah, for a day or something so you didn’t freeze to death or got kidnapped by some creep,” Justin replied, completely reasonable in his opinion. “Do you know in how much trouble we would get if someone discovered that Clay and I were hiding some missing kid? Clay could probably give you the exact prison sentence we racked up.”

“I can’t go back!” Mini Justin insisted. By now Justin was starting to get annoyed by the little kid. God be his witness, he was never getting one.

“Don’t be dramatic,” he chided Mini Justin, barely supressing the urge to roll his eyes.

“I’m not dramatic,” Mini Justin shot back. “You know nothing. You have everything: As much stuff as you want, a nice room, nice friends and a great brother. A family. You have everything and I have nothing! You don’t deserve it, I do! Why can’t I have it?” By now there were tears of rage streaming down the boy’s face.

Having his biggest insecurity – that he didn’t deserve any of what he had; that he was just a phony and that one day everyone around him would realise that – thrown at his face by no other than a younger version of himself, Justin saw red. Clenching his fists, he turned around, brushing past a confused Clay and out of the room.

He didn’t need this, not right now.

**Justin // 10 **

The older Justin slammed the door shut and silence descended upon the room. Justin was all tense, his body coiled and ready to run out the moment Clay realised that he was to blame for making his brother upset.

But contrary to what Justin expected, Clay didn’t scream and shout at him like Justin was used to by people. There was a slight frown on his face, but otherwise there was no sign that he was even angry at all. And Justin should know, because knowing when someone was angry – his mother, her boyfriends, Bryce, Monty – was a talent Justin had honed from very early on. But Clay just walked over to his bed and sat down, looking at Justin as if he was contemplating something. What, Justin couldn’t tell.

“Do you want to tell my what happened?” he inquired, but there was no force behind his voice, as if it wasn’t a command but a simple suggestion which Justin could decide to not follow. “Usually, I’m the only person who can make Justin slam doors like that.”

“He wanted me to go back,” Justin mumbled, starring on the ground.

“And you don’t want to go back.” It wasn’t a question but a statement, so Justin said nothing. “Why?”

Justin hesitated. “My mom said she’d be better off without me.”

There was a short moment of silence before Clay spoke again: “I once told Justin I wished he had never been adopted by my parents.” Justin gasped. He couldn’t really imagine it: Clay and Justin seemed thick as thieves. “I regretted it the moment I said it. I could make up a million reasons why I said it, but it doesn’t matter. I said it. It took us a long time to get over it and rebuild the trust I broke. Sometimes there are still moments where I think Justin is just waiting for me to say it again and it hurts. And it’s all on me.”

He took a deep breath. “I don’t think your mother should have said what she said. But, honestly, I believe every mother out there – even mine – had moments where she just wished to be just alone for a moment, just to take a breath. There are moments when I just want Justin or my friends gone, because they’re suffocating me and I just need a moment for myself. It’s important how we handle those impulses, though, and I won’t lie to you, your mother handled it wrong. Like, super wrong.”

“So, you think she didn’t mean it?” Justin asked, a small sliver of hope kindling in his chest.

“I think she’d give everything to have you back,” Clay replied. “To know that you’re alright and not in trouble or hurt.”

“She’ll be angry…”

“Of course, she will be,” Clay agreed with him. “Every mother would be. But I bet her relief to see you back and unharmed will far outweigh any anger she might still be harbouring.” A faint smile on his face. “You’ll probably get grounded for quite some time, though.”

Justin noticed that Clay was already speaking as if he was sure that Justin would go back. And he realised that he had already made the decision while talking with the other boy. He missed his room, his playthings, but most of all he missed his mom. Justin knew that he wasn’t always the easiest kid, but she wasn’t the easiest of mothers, either, but he loved her and while the time with Justin and Clay had been fun he wanted nothing more than have her run her fingers through his hair and tug him into bed, even though she didn’t do that as often as she used to.

His mother had faults – many of them – but Justin loved her anyway. The only reason he hadn’t want to go home was that he was too afraid that she really wouldn’t take him back, that she had seen that her life would be so much easier without him in it, but Clay’s words had laid that fear to rest, at least for now.

Justin wanted to go home.

“Justin will be back soon,” Clay spoke as if he knew what Justin had been thinking. “He’ll take you back.”

**Justin // 17 **

Only a single day had passed, but to Justin it felt like a small eternity.

Clay would tell him that logically there could only be a singular eternity which just existed, neither small nor big because the human mind couldn’t comprehend it to which Justin would tell him to ‘Shut up, nerd’.

But Justin was holding the hand of his time travelling younger self, so he reckoned that there also could be several eternities, small ones, big ones, until someone smart would discover them. Probably Clay.

It spoke volumes about how weird his day had been that he didn’t even bat an eyelash when they entered the street Justin had lived in and found his old house not abandoned like it should be.

Light was burning behind the windows and Justin didn’t even question it, despite the fact that no one lived here since his mother had fled from Seth with the money Justin had given her.

“Looks like your mom’s still up and awake,” he told his younger self who was still clutching his hand.

“Do you really think she’ll be happy to see me?” Mini Justin asked, his voice so small and yet still looking up so hopefully at him.

Justin’s heart broke just a little bit. “She will.” It wasn’t a lie: His mother would be happy to see him, but it would only last a few hours. A few hours of new resolutions and good intentions before everything went back to where his mother had promised they would never be again. But he couldn’t tell his younger self that, couldn’t even think of it, because if he did he would never be able to let him go.

“Will I ever see you and Clay again?”

“Yeah, you will.” That wasn’t a lie either. It would take years of hardships, pain, hurt and betrayal, but also years of friendship, forgiveness and acceptance before Mini Justin would find himself here again, holding his younger self’s hand and promise him the exact same thing with the same heavy heart.

A loop, a paradox, as Clay had put it.

“You’ll be alright,” Justin promised him. “And one day you’re gonna get an awesome brother.”

“You really think so?” Mini Justin wondered out loud.

“I know,” Justin replied and squeezed his younger self’s hand.

Mini Justin looked at Justin one last time and then he let go of him. With a spring in his step that belied his earlier statement that he didn’t want to go home he made his way across the path until he stood in front of his house.

Justin watched him standing there until he pushed the doorbell. It barely took three seconds before the door was pulled open and just like Justin remembered his mother let out a scream of joy before she fell down on her knees and embraced the younger him as tightly as he could.

Even from where he was standing on the sidewalk, Justin could see the tears streaming down his mother’s cheeks and it made him feel something he hadn’t felt for a long time: Longing.

Justin was in a place now where he could recognise that the way his mother had raised him had left deep scars on his soul that he would forever carry with himself. Being with his friends, with Jess, with Clay and with his adoptive parents had started the healing process and made it possible for him to believe that there could be more in his life than just living from day to day. He had a safety net now, people he knew he could rely on unconditionally.

You couldn’t be afraid of falling when there was someone to catch you.

His wounds would fade – were already fading – and scars would remain, but they would no longer define Justin. He would live up to what others had seen in him even before he himself could. He owed that to everyone who had helped him, but most of all he owed it to himself and the little boy who right now was clutching to his mother like he still believed that in the end she would chose him.

She never would.

Maybe that was why his heart felt so heavy now.

As he looked at his mother, her black hair still shiny, her hands steady, her face lacking most of the lines stress and drugs had furrowed there and her tear filled eyes still clear and shiny, he imagined what it a world would have been like where Amber Foley put her child before herself.

A world where the young boy he had been would never need to question his mother’s love for him; a world where her love would be as unconditional as the love his friends had always known. A world where his mother would fight for him like Lanie fought for Clay or Mr Standall fought for Alex.

It was a nice thought, but it was only in his head. Because even with time travel possible he couldn’t change the past. He longed for something he couldn’t have, not anymore, just like Clay sometimes still longed for Hannah or Jess longed to go back to that party and turn around. Like every person on this planet longed to change a moment they regretted, longed for a chance to fix a mistake they made.

He could never have it.

Justin would change many things if he could. Save Jess, save Hannah, save his five-year-old self, but he realised that the knowledge that he couldn’t didn’t burn as deep as it should. Despite the pain, the horror and the grief he was finally in a place he could be happy in. A place he felt safe in, protected and cherished.

There would be times when that would be enough and times when he would wish to go back and change everything, but now he could live with that.

Justin looked up at the night sky.

When turned his gaze back, his mother and younger self had vanished. The door was closed, the lights were out. No one had lived here for months.

The past was finally gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are love ❤


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